Hi, my names Dean and this is my life story ....After the result of a scientific and social experiment, funded by the government, involving LSD and spinach in the early eighties, I was born in the Republic of Congo where my parents had been living in exile. When I was 3, my parents were unfortunately assassinated by the KGB for political reasons due to one of them being the illegitimate descendant and rightful heir to the Russian imperial throne.
Afterwards, although devastaed, my will to survive kicked in, so I decided to get a job as a pirate in Somalia but this proved to be unsuccessful due to me developing incurable bouts of sea sickness. So I relocated to Sierra Leon where I was lucky enough to gain employment as a child solider, mining for blood diamonds. I found this work demanding yet rewarding although the pension plan wasn’t that great.
One day, just when everything was going perfect the U.N came in and fucked it all up and I was “rescued” by a crack commando unit headed by B.A Baracus, otherwise known as, Mr T.
Then I was taken to Edinburgh to start a new life with 2 abusive adopted parents who changed my name to George. They worked as part of a travelling circus, they were also recovering crystal meth addicts. They already had 2 children who treated me like a leper. Often I was antagonized with spiteful taunts, fuelled by violent jealousy regarding my natural ability and talent for fire juggling. I used my experience and skills I learned while in the Congo to overcome this adversity and succeed in living a full positive life.
I spent the first 10 years of my adult life, living in Tibet, mediating and doing cash in hand odd jobs for my uncle, His Holiness the Dali lama. But left after a disagreement over the compulsory shaven head hairstyle which I found unflattering to my head shape and my distaste for the colour burnt orange.
I was then persuaded to move to Los Angeles by Mohammad Ali, after a conversation we had where he described me as “The Greatest!” and assured me that I could be successful in the City of Angels. So I did, and I was. I quickly found work as a body double for a famous footballer (who for legal reasons, shall remain nameless) in a host of adverts for an Armani underwear campaign. This and the Diet Coke adverts I starred in, turned out to be quite lucrative and funded a lifestyle of unbridled depravity for me as an international playboy. I then decided to leave L.A as everything was getting all a tad too morally corrosive for me. Also , drama started kicking off after I had embarked on a illicit affair with the actress Megan fox, that then turned sour. This was because of her negative energy frequencies regarding the rumor's circulating that I was the biological father to Angelina Jolie's twins.
When I left, I decided to attend Harvard university to study, which is when I won the Noble prize for quantum physics. After a brief spell as a prisoner of war in Afghanistan, where I had been captured by Taliban insurgents in the Helmand Provinse, because I was heavily involved in the underground hard rave scene there (good times) I escaped and crossed the dessert posing as an Alchemist/Goat herder and travelled to Dubai. While in Dubai I got into camel racing and eventually returned to the UK and won the 2009 Grand National on a 3 legged horse named Halfwitt.
After briefly becoming an international ambassador for the responsible use of Rohypnol in nightclubs, I’ve been working as a live impersonator of the rock star Meatloaf on the local social club circuit.
I’ve also finally settled down and life now has became a more chilled affair after winning my Pride of Britain Award for fostering 547 children. I’ve brought sexy back to London, where I’m living and practising the teachings of Haile Selassie and the Ethiopian Orthodox Church. I’m also looking for Mrs right, so if your female, rich, can speak some English, like screaming, marking territory with urine and have an extensive knowledge of knots as well as a passion for chainsaws and hockey masks, then this could be your lucky day! You must not have big feet though. Strictly no weirdo’s please. So the moral of the story so far is don’t mix LSD with spinach and don’t count every hour, make every hour count, that’s all 4 now folks, to be continued.......
ONE LOVE x
No comments:
Post a Comment