“I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.” - Andy Warhol



No , its not a Vienetta ice cream , its a shirt.








First dates are easy to get, it’s impressing your date enough to get a second date that’s the tricky part. Your potential future happiness rides on your success in the first instance. The first date can be a minefield, but relax; we are here to help you combat this anxiety.


First of all, with regards to paying, guys should pay for the first date, don’t ask why those are just the rules. Afterwards though it should always be 50/50. Thanks to the marching suffragettes and bra burning feminist’s everything’s fair now in 2011, so cough up all you equally paid ladies. Guys should still hold doors open though, obviously.  Now here are some standard bulletproof do's and don’ts to the first date.


DON’T- greet your date by pointing and winking at them, unless your name is 'The Fonz' as this will just make them most likely be a bit sick in their mouths.


DO - give good eye contact when talking or listening to your date. No eye contact just screams lack of confidence and no ones finds that attractive. Unless of course your date is prone to acts of domestic violence, then it’s ideal.


DONT - give eye contact when not talking or listening to your date, that’s just staring...and your date is getting freaked out by it and regretting that they haven’t brought a rape whistle. Stop. 


DO - tell your date they look good. Perhaps drop a subtle complement when you first see them like a simple 'you look nice'. Not to enthusiastic though like an "OOOFFTT!” followed by a compliment regarding any parts of their body, as you don’t really want to sound like Keith Lemon or that you’re just out of prison.


DON’T - compliment your date on obscure facts that you only know because you Facebooked stalked the shit out of them. It’s so creepy.


DO - have a get out now clause, because sometimes there’s no point dragging a dead horse and wasting everyone’s time. If the other person's face or voice is having a nerve gas like effect on you, leave. Txt a friend and ask them to call you up in the middle of the date crying about some real personal bullcrap stuff that they need you to console them with instantly. Tell your date that you obviously must comply swiftly as they’ve previously made two failed suicide attempts and you can hear Adele's 'Someone like you' playing full blast in the background. Probably best to change your number.


DON’T - agree to meet up anywhere remote like woods or on an abandoned golf course. Also if they turn up wearing gloves and a balaclava, instantly call it off. Chances are they are carrying a concealed Weapon. So don’t hang around and ask that old cheesy question 'is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me', because the answer will probably be yes to both. Run like forest.


DO - laugh at their jokes, even if they are rank. It makes the other person feel funnier and therefore more relaxed which can remove tension and perhaps later underwear. Result. 


DON’T - Drop pedophile jokes or any jokes that begin with "I’m not racist or anything but..." you most likely are being racist. Plus no one was ever turned on by a pedophile joke, unless they’re on a national register of some sort and if so, good luck with that.