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| That awkward moment when no bastard tells you that the fancy dress theme was cancelled. |
Following the recent death/murder of Muammar Gaddafi, everyones takling about him, but what do we really know about him that is true? Was he...
a) An evil dictator and part time drag queen contestant
b) An adorable eccentric with bond villain tendencies
c) A fashion icon and peoples person
d) All of the above
Who knows? I’m confused what to think so I’m going to go by the old fashioned method and judge the book by its cover, or him by his appearance. Because you can’t deny when it came to his threads, this tyrant Dictator knew how to werq it!
It’s fair to say he seemed to start of as quite good guy but then got a little crazy as the years went by, and do you know what else got crazy? His wardrobe, that’s what. The emperor’s new clothes were insane.
The bad news is, he used to give the IRA semtex, he plotted the Lockerbie bombing, and he is supposed to have killed and tortured his own people. He also made some poor choices in his cosmetic surgeons, its not clear if he straight out asked his surgeon for the Jackie Stallone look and we will probably never know and yet somehow we must get on with living our lives.
Every paper, news programme and website in the western world will say how terrible he was, and he was, but that’s so negative, let’s concentrate on the positive because were all about living in the light and love here at Arts London News (The paper im supposed to be writing for). I mean there has to be something special about someone who can take over an entire country at the age of 27 in a bloodless revolution, right?
In 1973 he changed his title from Prime Minister to ‘Brotherly Leader and Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya .Muammar al-Gaddafi.’ Which I’m sure you will agree has a much classier ring to it but must be a nightmare for the poor guy who was making the signs for the office door. This was only the start of his ostentatious streak.
It’s probably fair to say that recently he looked like a hung-over drag queen that had been hit by a truck. But this was not always the case, back in the day before his faced resembled a mud slide he was a good-looking guy , When the English writer Jeffrey Bernard asked the world famous painter Francis Bacon who in the world he would most like to bed, he replied, “I’d like to fuck the pants off Colonel Qaddafi. So it would seem he also had the Xfactor. In a sort of powerful dictator meets an Arabian Peter Stringfellow kind of way.
Whether it was the pastel blue suit adorned with gold tassels and medals, that made him look a little bit like a Thunderbird, the purple number that looked like it was inspired by something from a Quality Street box, or that classy gold bad-boy outfit with the matching hat and drapes, the man was fearless is in choice of clothing. Some would say a tad camp for a tyrant dictator and a bit like a panto dame on steroids at times but no other African leader had mastered the fine art of accessorizing their outfits with maps of Africa. Gaddafi did and he did it with panache and bold animal print. He made Lady Gaga look like Gordon Brown.
At the G8 summit the world leaders were all there, looking boring in there credit crunch suits. They all sneered down at Gaddafi and his flamboyant fashion ensemble, but Gaddafi knew they were all just straight up playa hating. He was rocking his monotone get up and when it came to style, Gaddafi always shut it down. He had more important things to think about anyway, like abolishing Switzerland, owning the Italian football club Juventus and becoming king of all of Africa, as you do.
Before US-NATO Invasion, Libya Had the Highest Human Development Index, The Lowest Infant Mortality, The Highest Life Expectancy, Highest purchasing power in all of Africa. Everyone had free education, free healthcare, and the highest literacy and standard of living in all of Africa. When couples got married, they receive the equivalent of over £30.000, no taxes on people who are involved in agriculture and interest free loans for housing. This is pretty good and not really made common knowlege in the west.
Lets not forget his Amazonian guards, he had 15 of his Amazonian Guards who were all female, and done up with their lipstick and nail polish. They all had to be virgins for reasons unclear. They followed him everywhere and guarded him with their buxom lives. It all made Hugh Heffner look a bit like an amateur to be honest. He also revolutionized tent interiors and reminded us when we packed a tent, don’t forget the umbrella!
In 2003 after becoming BFF's with Tony Blair, Gaddafi abandoned Libya’s weapons of mass destruction programme, result! (It has since emerged via The Sunday Telegraph that after he was Prime Minister, Blair had 6 private meetings with Gaddafi in Tripoli. Five of those meetings took place in a 14-month period before the 2009 release of Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, the Lockerbie bomber. Also that on at least two occasions Mr Blair flew to Tripoli on a jet paid for by the Libyan government) We are not sure when the last time they hung out and played Xbox etc but its rumoured relations between them had got a little less cosy recently after Blair allegedly took his ball back, went home and didn’t return Gaddafis calls when the Libyan uprising kicked off.
So who are all these Freedom fighters and Rebels? (Remember we used to call the Taliban “rebels”? just saying...) The truth is, were not sure who they are, but we do know that they are into shooting, happy slapping and apparently sodamizing 69 old men while filming it on there mobile phones. Which is obviously hilarious but not totally professional is it? Now The U.N is demanding an enquiry into the death of Gaddafi. Which is a little like the paparazzi demanding an enquiry into the death of Princess Diana but whatever.
Yes conditions were not ideal in Libya, far from it with the human rights atrocities in all but to be honest non worse than what goes on in Saudi Arabia and we don’t give rats a derriere about what goes on there. What about the North Koreans? Or the daily deaths by machete and countless rapes that goes on in the Congo? None of our bees-wax apparently.
Of course he eventually being captured was always in the pipeline (no pun intended) but the fact that when he was finally caught, he was armed with a Golden gun makes me happy. He was literally the man with the golden gun! He was a bond villain to the end and I love him for that, all that was missing was him in his evil lair stroking a cat. But I don’t think even Ian Fleming could have invented a character as nuts as Gaddafi and Pinewood studios could not have match they costumes. But it’s not over yet, as the worlds governments have still to locate his missing billions, (it’s rumoured he may have been the richest man in the world!) So as the saga continues a charity shop somewhere in Tripoli is about to receive one hell of a wardrobe.
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